Just like every night, I’m sitting here, wide awake, with a cup of coffee and reflecting back to my life. Yeah hey, inyaw’zigcwel’udaka J
FORGIVENESS! I smile every time I think of the word; it gives me a lot to ponder. You probably have never heard of my story, well allow me.
For months I lived in agony, the pain flaunted through my mortal soul, living a dark commendable hole, a hole filled with anger, hatred and grudge. Yes she had finally told me the truth, after weeks and months which turned to two years of lies.
I never thought it would hurt, I begged for forgiveness, I begged to God to bless my soul as I felt all alone. Yes walls were crushing down on me now and there was no way to escape. I had to beg for freedom, I needed to be displaced out of my misery; I needed God to blow me away.
SHUTTERED, BETRAYED, ALINATED! That’s exactly how I felt; I couldn’t tell a friend from an enemy as my own best friend slash sister had betrayed me. Do you know how it feels to just “SHUT DOWN”, yeah that’s exactly how I felt. I tried to reject the pain, and I was sucked again and again into blackness that out whole seconds or maybe even minutes of the agony, making it harder to keep up with reality.
No maarn, I had to be strong, wear a smile you know J and pretend that every thing was fine. FINALLY! I perfected my mask. IGNORANCE! Yeah guess i should put it that way. “Arg comm’n Nomvuyo this is nothing, you know you can pull this off, you stronger than this, that’s your best friend there and you know you can’t hate her” were word that constantly rang on my mind as the thought of “BETRAYAL” burned it. I had to numb the pain.
IGNORANCE became my new best friend, I would pray, eat, sleep, lough, you know all those things you do when you’re alive. Awww I became an “actress”J. Bear in mind that my “friend” wasn’t aware of the fact that this beaming face was actually of pretence, of a burning man.
Weeks passed and you’d swear I was the happiest woman alive, problem is, I wasn’t. I was a walking ghost, a misguided one. I wasn’t me, I drifted further and further away from God and every person in my life. I became a loner.
What was happening? Wasn’t I still praying? What had I done wrong? Or were my days of existence over? I needed answers. I needed a room to ponder, a room to remember what had happened.
You know it does my soul good to let the waters run once in a while-the healing waters. I had to scream, holler, pray. I would take long walks on the beach just to clear my head. FINALLY! I got my answers. My soul wasn’t at peace. Darkness had taken over. I hadn’t realised that my ignorance had lured me that far.
Mxm why was I hurting over a guy, a human being (how stupid of me), was this "suffering" necessary? Questions started flooding my mind. I longed for peace. As much as it hurt me, I had to FORGIVE, I had to let go.
Truth be told, having resentment on someone else is not going to solve your problem, but will only make it stronger.
“Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly and if left unresolved for a very long time, you can almost forget that you were even created to fly in the first place”, the shack.
Stop holding on to your past hurts, you still have a life ahead.
FORGIVE!
Welcome to existence :)